I packed my lunch
In praise of looking forward, not back (plus, two recipies with that in mind)
Welcome to Home Cooking Diary, a monthly-ish newsletter on the journey of a home cook—successes and failures alike. Cooking log, photo diary, and recipe recommender. Today, after a long haitus, I’m writing from the register at my bookstore, and it’s about the small, but somehow momentous actions we take each day to maintain our minds and bodies.
Someone recently said to me: “you know, a better version of ourselves can start now—there’s no reason to look back.” This gesture of forgiveness was a simple, not-so-subtle reminder that sometimes change and progress comes day-by-day, and in small moments of gentle intentionality, thoughtfulness—just trying—sometimes it feels like the trying is really really hard. One thing I know from my forty-years on this planet is that we usually know what we need to do to improve our lives but that doesn’t mean we do them. If I’m waking up with regrets and self-judgement, there are things I know to do that will make me feel better, but somehow I rarely actually do them.
An incomplete list:
immediately drinking a glass of water (whenever I happen to think of it)
showering
washing/massaging/moisturizing my face, morning and night
writing one page (or more) of free form/stream-of-consciousness thought (Artist’s Way, anyone?)
Putting my phone down somewhere, instead of walking around with it (and then trying to ignore it)
Eating some protein for breakfast (a hard-boiled egg on a generously-buttered English muffin, a few pieces of leftover shredded chicken, oatmeal with nut butter, Greek yogurt with something sweet, etc)
listening to my body and doing what it tells me to. Giving it what it needs when it needs it.
Drinking seltzer with fun things in it (scroll for a little mini recipe), instead of alcohol
Again, at the age of forty, I should know better than to skimp on these daily efforts at maintance, but it can be challenging to nourish our bodies and minds with these small baseline acts of self-care. Especially when we are down on ourselves, which for some reason is my particular struggle in life. But I did something today that also lives on that list, and also the thing I do the least: I packed my lunch!
Now, listen—I love food. I’m about to use the word “love” a thousand times intentionally. I love to eat. I love cuisine. I grew up in a family where eating and feeding was a form of love. Dysfunctional for it, I’ve begun to think. I live in a town and operate a small business within a local economy that desperately needs business, so I eat out a lot. I try to do my part. Two of my closest friends run my favorite cafe in town, and serve delicious food. My other friends run another cafe/restaurant (also excellent!). And there are many other places I love to eat from every damn day. There are few things I love more than sitting at the cafe and working away, in between impromptu conversations with the acquaintances I happen to cross paths with. But the time has come to find balance. You know me. You know I also love to cook. I generally have a stocked pantry and a stocked fridge. Why am I not cooking these days (another reason for Home Cooking Diary’s haitus)? And I’m perfectly capable of making a simple lunch. So today I did. I just ate it too, at 11:45am. It felt great. It was delicious. It satiated me.
So let me tell you what I made. I had a ton of leftover roasted Arctic Char I wanted to eat (the recipe is a staple from a favorite cookbook), so I made a rice bowl—my favorite vehicle for a beautiful protein like Artic Char. Rice is easy but it takes time and care to make well. Despite having a pretty packed morning, I managed to use my precious time thoughtfully and made the time to make rice.
Any parent knows how precious time is. I’ll never forget the first time I had one hour of childcare. It was Tycho’s first trial day at his daycare (where he goes to preschool to this day) and he was 18 months old. He was there for one hour and I felt freer than I ever had before, since becoming a mom (when time begins to feel diametrically different). I was in the process of opening my bookstore (this was 2023) at its first location, and I got more done than I could ever imagine in one hour. These days, with an abundance of childcare, I squander so much time it is unbelievable. I often think back on that precious hour and wish I could experience time in that way again. Because it was scarce it somehow went farther, and I valued it more. As I write this though, I’m conscious of how helplessly American what I’m saying is. American in the sense of valuing only “hard work” and “hustle”—as if we always must be working. Like the people that say things like “must be nice” when they run into you reading a book or a magazine (yes these people exist, and I encounter them). What exactly is wrong with “squandering” time? Why am I framing it negatively with the word “squander”? This very thought process unfolding, as I type, is exactly the kind of self-critique I do on a regular basis. Linda, my therapist, says: “The first step is noticing.” So I try to notice. And after I notice, I’m supposed to say to myself: “Oh Ang. You’re fine. You’re doing fine. It’s ok.” That tiny moment of self-compassion is important, and again I rarely do it. So I’m writing it here.
It feels kinda good to “squander” time. But today I was thoughtful about my time and that also felt good. So I offer a rice bowl recipe in the form of a timeline from this morning (if you want to skip that, scroll for the recipe toward the bottom).
Thursday, May 21
5:26am - I wake to demanding cries of “MOMMY.” Groggily shout back: “Coming honey!” but first stop by the bathroom. I peek into his room cautiously. He fell back asleep, thank f****** god.
5:30am - go back to bed
6:15am - he’s up for real. I am not. Drag myself out of bed feeling out of whack, regret not just getting up at 5 f******: 30 and being awake and alone for a little while. “Scratch my back” he demands (it’s cute though). I scratch my son’s back and carry him downstairs (because one day I won’t be able to anymore). Put on an episode of “Octonaughts.” Pour old coffee on ice with lots of sugar. I bring him a snack (just apple slices, because I am still asleep). Let Shelby out. Lay back down beside Tycho as he watches his show and try to sleep more. Successfully ignore the phone in favor of shutting my eyes.
6:30am - Shelby is barking - I let her back inside. Tycho says he wants a “different snack” so I prepare “fruit medley.” Lay back down and enjoy feeling my son’s legs draped over mine as we watch TV. Answer messages and scroll phone.
7:30am - I drink a glass of water. I shower - taking the time to dry brush (before) and massage my entire body with oil AND apply body lotion on top of the oil (after). Get dressed (vintage crop top with dramatic sleeves and flower buttons from my final shipment from Maddie (man, I’ll miss her shop); I risk underboob reveal by not wearing a bra; old Everlane jeans; Sophie Buhai hoop earrings (gift from Reed). I pick clothes for Tycho and bring them downstairs.
8-8:45am - make moves to do preschool drop off (yes this is how long it can take to get out of the house)
9am - DROP OFF (Tycho is mostly chill but yells at a classmate to leave him alone. Why does my kid do this every day? Should I be worried? LOL?)
9:05am - Walk to the cafe; momentarily catch a glimpse of a former friend who makes me feel very bad about myself; I do my best to tune out self-blame (I know I am not to blame for the falling out but I still blame myself—it takes two, so I guess probably I am partly to blame? I struggle with objectivity when it comes to conflict)
9:07am - Arrive at the cafe and I treat myself to a very fancy coffee (my punch card is full so my coffee is free). Cold brew with vanilla syrup and vanilla cold foam. Beautiful and impossibly delicious. It should be a “treat” but I drink it too often to call it that (again what’s with my puritanical guilt over “treating” myself too often?)
9:30am - Nail appointment (this is a luxury I do for myself every few weeks - it goes a long way to making me feel pulled together, when psychologically I absolutely am not)
10:35am - Most days I would normally go back to one of the three cafes I frequent, to work on my laptop (but I end up spending money I do not have, and socialize with whoever happens to be there). Instead I go home and make a rice bowl.
I rinse 1.5 cups of jasmine rice and cover them in a small saucepan with 1.5 cups of water
I bring the rice to a boil, cover, and immediately lower the flame as low as it will go. I set a timer for 20 minutes
[ then I leave home and ask my mom, who is visiting, to watch the rice. While the rice is cooking I walk to my bookstore to check the day’s shipments. I unpack the delivered books, setting aside my customers’ special orders, and display the rest; I prepare Kelsey’s book for delivery (because in this case it’s easy to deliver and why not do a nice thing for someone?) Go back home.]
My rice is done. I turn off the flame and leave the pot alone for 10 minutes to allow the rice to steam. Now I prepare the toppings:
Shred leftover roasted Arctic Char (from Mina Stone’s recipe) - in the process I splatter oil all over my new blouse
Cut Persian cucumbers (in half, and lengthwise)
Halve cherry tomatoes
Tear some basil
The rice is still resting so I apply dish soap to each dot of oil on my blouse. I let it sit as I pile rice in a stainless steel bowl (it helps to have a beautifully designed Japanese container for your lunch in lieu of Tupperware, but that’s just me); drizzle with low-sodium soy sauce and roasted sesame oil; pile on the fish, tomatoes, and cucumbers; add a spoonful of homemade (from a friend) Chili Crisp in one corner; top with fresh basil. Rinse my blouse and resolve to walk around in a wet shirt until it dries, hoping no one notices
11:10am - Deliver Kelsey’s book to the cafe where she works - purchase another cold brew, this time no cold foam or syrup (to sip the rest of the day at the store)
11:30am - Open my shop for the day; post to the business instagram (in case people need a reminder my store exists and also to feed the relentless algorithm). Alert customers their special orders are in. Send a necessary email (ignoring the rest of the emails).
11:45am - Eat rice bowl because I can’t wait. Decide that it needs more seasoning (soy sauce and sesame oil and salt). Think about how good my morning felt and begin concieving of this newsletter.
12ish - write this newsletter in between customer interactions; neglect the rest of my work
2pm onward - do my bookstore work. In a perfect world, this is what I would do all day:
create a marketing newsletter; post more pics to instagram in the hopes of coaxing people into my store to buy books so I can continue having a bookstore; feel a bit hopeless but also motivated, thank god; post a reminder about tonight’s event; update the bookstore website with New Releases, deleting old preorders, and manually adding new books to the store; update Basil with my latest orders so the POS inventory is up to date; what else? Oh, and I manage to read - I start LONELY CROWDS, our current book club pick which meets next week (!!!), despite feeling desperately distracted.
You won’t be shocked to hear that I didn’t get all of this done, but it was a good day for the way it began.
xAngie
Leftovers Rice Bowl
Ingredients:
1 cup of rice (jasmine, basmati, sushi rice)
1 cup of water
Leftover protein of choice (roasted fish, like Arctic Char or Salmon; shredded chicken; tuna salad w/ mayonnaise and sesame oil; etc)
Vegetables of choice (persian cucumbers; cherry tomatoes; wilted, garlicky greens; microgreens; sweet potato; broccoli; etc)
Low-sodium soy sauce
Toasted sesame oil
Herbs (like torn basil)
Rinse rice, add it to a saucepan, and cover with the equivalent amount of water
Bring to a boil, cover, and reduce heat as low as it will go. Set a timer for 20 minutes and don’t touch it.
Prepare the toppings while you wait for the rice (you will probably have time to do other things, or lay down and rest/scroll your phone/read - that’s ok too!)
When the timer goes off, turn off the heat, and again don’t touch. Let the rice rest, undisturbed for 10 minutes so that it will steam.
Pile rice into a to-go container, drizzle with soy sauce and sesame oil. Pile the toppings on, along with the torn basil and a spoonful of Chili Crisp.
Olive Brine Seltzer
Ingredients:
Olive brine
Club Soda or Topo Chico
Castevetrano olives for garnish
Fill a glass to the brim with ice, and pour desired amount of olive brine in (at least an inch)
Top with the fizziest Club Soda (no flat seltzer allowed!), pile a bunch of olives on a toothpick, and serve
“A dirty seltz”, “dirty seltzy”, “sparkling olive water”, “dirty sparkly”?? I love this game and that sounds delish 🫒
Loved this, Angie :) BRB buying seltzer and olives